Episode Transcript
<p><!--block--> Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple O' Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and one of the things that I love is nowadays we're seeing a lot of people who are stepping up about their testimonies in faith who come from terrible trauma and hardship, people who have ... Again, none of us have any right to be justified before God with our reasonings, but people who more than any other person would have every right to say, "Why, God?" Or, "I don't believe in you." And so I really love to highlight these testimonies because it is such a message of hope and recovery and seeing, you know, the turnaround from rock bottom and then some. So excited to get into this conversation. I have to start by first thanking Johnny T, host of Refuge Freedom Stories. He is a Canadian minister, nuclear operator, and friend of mine, and more so a mentor of mine. And, you know, he connected us via email, so super grateful for that connection. And if you don't know Johnny, please check out his content. He is doing great work up there in Canada, where he is showing how real lives are being changed by the power of God. And, you know, he always asks the question, you know, if you could say one thing about God. So definitely go check that out. But for now, we are here with who he introduced me to. Super excited to get into this, as I mentioned. And just to hint at some things, we'll be getting into hospitalizations, brokenness, recovery, bipolar disorder. Here with Chris Lafreniere talking about newly released memoir, Bipolar is Who I Am: A Journey of Transformation, Redemption, and Managing the Chaos Within. So Mr. Lafreniere, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to be on this podcast and to share your story to reach all those people out there struggling with this. And I think right now because of all the people falsely claiming mental illness or changing it up or making it a buzzword, people who are actually suffering aren't getting the help they need. And, and so thank you for bringing awareness to people who have dealt, and a- as I saw in the email, severe mental illness, some of the, some of the worst depths of it, the mirey pit. So thank you so much for your vulnerableness and truth, and please tell us a little bit about yourself. Thanks for that great welcome, welcome. And yeah, Johnny T.'s great. Yeah, I had him on my podcast too when I had one. But yeah, so I live in Maine, US, United States. I got three kids. I'm married, and I'm a stay-at-home dad aside from being an author. And my book was about two years in the making writing it. And there was a lot of catharsis in writing it. You know, there's-- 'Cause a, a little snippet before we really get into the meat of things. Part of my problem with my mental health is I have some pretty fragmented memories, so. Mm-hmm. And by that, I mean there's bits and pieces that are just missing, like they're just gone. You know? And so when writing this book it was kind of, the early chapters are a little difficult. It flows well now, but it was a little difficult writing it 'cause I was trying to remember some of these things. Right. So sometimes it can seem like it jumps around, but it's really just kind of the way I remember things. Right. Well, I tell you what, you know what? I think that's the most honest writing there is because we don't remember things chronologically naturally, right? We can remember it chronologically if we force ourselves to think about it, but the truth is memories just pop up. Sometimes they're caused by an outside stimulus, maybe something we saw or a song that comes on or whatever. So I think, you know, that that's, that's a natural you know, flow of writing and and in your case especially, you know, you have other im-impairments around that which we'll get into. So I wanna start with one of the biggest things when I've, I've talked to people struggling with some of these conditions, especially bipolar disorder. A lot of their life they didn't even know they had it. You know, they didn't even get a diagnosis until later in life. And, and so what was your journey? You know, how long did it take for you to kinda figure this all out? Hmm. Yeah, so I'm 38 now. I was about 19 or 20 when I got when I had my first episode and was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar disorder. So, and that was essentially an explosion of things. I'd been partying nonstop, drinking, smoking, snorting, you know, whatever I can get my hands on. I used to have an expression when I drank, you know, almost like creed, if you will, and it, it stated that if you're gonna drink, you gotta drink to the extreme. Hmm. And many a nighttime was pretty close to blackout, if not blacked out. So for a while, for a good summer, I was on a cycle of get up in the morning after a hangover, go out to meet some friends of mine at their house. We'd sit around, we'd smoke a little pot, we'd hang out. We'd shoot the breeze, talking about what we're gonna do for the day. We'd go to a party later that night. I'd get absolutely smashed, obliterated. We'd-- probably 1:00, 2:00 in the morning we'd walk back to, towards our house 'cause, you know, pit parties. We'd do a lot of parties in the woods. And so about October of 2008, you know, kinda hit a precipice I was at a par- like, a house party, and I was in the little kitchen area. And I remember c- certain events happening, and then it was like like you see in movies where, like, it happens, and then it happens again exactly as it just happened. There's this moment, a little moment of déjà vu, like, the world, this just happened. And it sent me off in a tailspin 'cause I told some, some people around me, like, "What in the world?" Like, trying to explain it, and they're looking at me like, "Dude, you're crazy. You need to, like, lay off. Just go lie down." And so I stormed out and run, s- like, stomping down the road, kind of mumbling to myself, like, "What in the world happened?" You know? Kind of in a manic phase before I knew it was a manic phase. And Go down the road, and then someone stops to say hi, but in my incoherency I thought they had pulled a gun on me. So I booked it down the road and ran to my house and I slammed in the door. So I rip it open, run in, run up to my mom's room. I'm like, "Mom, we gotta get outta here. They're trying to kill us. Like, they're after me." She looked at me and she's like, "Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. What's going on?" I'm like, "I can't explain. We just gotta get outta here or they're gonna kill you, too, if you're with me." And I must have been so convincing 'cause she got up, got dressed, we got in the car. The whole car ride was pretty tense for me 'cause I thought we were being followed. But, you know, it's Mass, so people drive close to you. So we get to my father's apartment. My dad's like, "Hey, what's up?" My mom tells him and, yeah, he's like, "All right. Look, you just need to go home, get some rest, maybe sleep. You'll feel better in the morning." I'm like, "No, you don't understand. Like, there's people after me and we're followed." My dad's like, "No, hold up. Like, you know, what's, what's going on here?" 'Cause he, like, there were really no indications that I would've been bipolar, even though you would think there would be. And if they were, they were subtle. So we leave my dad's house, we get back home, I go to sleep. Next day I have another episode, and I find myself maybe 1:00, 2:00 in the morning running through the woods. And every time a car came around the bend I'd drop down to the ground 'cause I thought they were after me. So I'm like, oh, you know, it's something like you see out of a movie like Beautiful Mind, you know, with Russell Crowe or whatever. And so stopping every time a car comes, and then I'm getting up and walking a little farther. Well, fast-forward to about 6:00 AM in the morning. I didn't make it very far through the woods. And my plan was to run to a hospital to maybe get sanctuary or get safe, and I didn't make it very far. So about 6:00 AM I stopped what I was doing, kinda had a moment of lucidity, turned around, went back towards my house. And that day I said to my mom, I'm like, "Hey I think I need to be psychologically evaluated. Like, something's wrong up here." And so we go to the ER. 10 hours later after explaining and explaining to every single clinician and nurse and doctor and, you know, specialist And so I finally got into a place, and that's when I got the, the initial start of my journey on realizing I was bipolar. So there's a lot of little micro stuff in there. Like I, I, I could not really do justice to explain how terrifying and how like you know, well, yeah, just terrifying it was for that event, you know? So Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now, were you ever diagnosed with schizophrenia, or the paranoia was just part of the bipolar disorder condition? Oh, it's just part of the bipolar condition. I mean, I was also highly intoxicated and stoned, and, Mm. Yeah ... one of the things they say is when, when you're getting on the road to recovery, do not, do not smoke weed because the psychoactives in there negatively interact with your bipolar brain chemistry. Mm. So it basically just, it screws you up and makes it even worse, and paranoia, like, all, all sorts of that stuff. It just throws it into high gear, so. Right. Now, you get the diagnosis, but obviously that doesn't- Right ... instantly fix everything. What did the process of recovery look like from that diagnosis point? Yeah, so it was over a few years. From about 2008 to 2012, I was... I admitted myself to psych wards about six or seven times. Usually it was... And it wasn't just that, like, "Oh, I'm crazy. I need to go to the hospital." You know, it's kind of mixed moments of lucidity with, like, "I need..." Like, "I don't know why, but I need, need to go to the hospital. Maybe they can fix this." And so it's, it has been a long road. And there were points throughout those years where I fell into the classic stereotype of taking the meds that they gave me and feeling better. So I was like, "Oh, well, I feel good. You know, you know, whatever. I don't need the meds." So I stopped taking the meds. Mm-hmm. And about a year goes by unmedicated, and I have another full-blown manic episode. Right. Not, not as worse as the first one, but still, you know, pretty nasty. And so I was like, "Oh, okay. I need to go back to the hospital." And so by about 2012, after so many visits to the hospital, it dawned on me that I, if I was gonna take this seriously, and if I wanted to ever have a shot of having a normal, healthy life that was productive, I had to do what the doctors were telling me, which meant sleep, eating properly taking care of myself in general, taking the meds as prescribed- Sober, you know, pot-free, substance free. Just really looking to recovery. And around the time 2010 hit, I had I'd also been arrested a few times and I was doing community service, so at a food bank and You know, by that point I'm doing a little better, but still, you know, in the weeds. And well, the food pantries need to get food from the food banks. That's, that's how they stock their supply. So you need to go on a run there. I went-- I'd usually go. One of the times I went, there was a big burly ex-biker there, and at the time I still smoked cigarettes, so me and him were outside talking, and he just says to me kind of casually, he's like, "Hey, you know, I don't know if it's your thing, but I go to a church, and we don't beat people over the head with the Bible. So, you know, if you want to go and check it out and see what it's all about." And that right there, that phrase, that was really like the welcome sign for me. Like, we don't beat you over the head with the Bible. Because I didn't come to the faith till I was about twenty or twenty-one, and I always thought Christians were do-gooders wanting to tell you what to do, how to live your life. You know, what not to do. You know, take the fun out of things, you know. And yeah, so I went, and about a month later, I gave my life to the Lord, and that was another piece of the recovery component where figuring out this whole th- this whole faith journey and what it meant. So, I eventually-- I got deliverance from alcohol and substances, and I talk a little bit about that in my book. But yeah, it, it was this multifaceted approach to recovery. You know, it was like a lot of components that came into place and a lot of eating some humble pie, you know, so. For sure, and we can definitely unpack a lot of different, you know, facets of it here. But I want to start most importantly with you mentioned the deliverance from alcohol and substances. You know, what about the faith? Was it, was it through prayer? Was it just through reading scripture? Was it through community? What kinda, you know, brought you into that mindset, or was it just a supernatural feeling of, "I don't need it anymore"? So it's probably a mix of prayer and- Supernatural components, if you will. So I-- It was about December-ish 2010, and I called up a friend of mine. I was like, "Hey, do you know any men's groups going on? I feel terrible. Like, I'm just miserable. I don't feel good. I'm not sure what it is. You know, I, I feel like I need to quit drinking, but, like, you know, it's whatever." He's like, "Oh, well, let me check." So he called me back. He's like, "Hey, it just happens to be there's one tonight. You wanna go?" I'm like, "Yeah." So he picks me up. We go. Pretty, pretty typical men's group, you know, sit around, talk about your issues and related to faith. Well, my friend that brought me had a friend that was there. They asked us if we wanted to go back to their house later that night. The guy's wife laid hands on me, kinda interceded, if you will, and prayed about it. And, yeah, it was kinda-- It was an interesting experience. I remember her praying, lay-laying hands on me, and I remember closing my eyes and just sitting there and, you know, praying to myself quietly. And I'd feel like there was a lot of weight on my shoulders and, and my knees were getting heavy. And so I'd kinda like-- my legs would kinda screw down, and then I'd stand myself up, and more weight was on my shoulders and, like, weighing me down, and stand myself up. And then at some point, my body just gave out, and I was on the floor, and I passed out for a while. And when I came to, it was just like I didn't have any energy in my body. They sat me in a chair, and I sat there and I was just kinda, like, rolling around because I just so-- like, I couldn't even sit up. I just-- I don't even know really how to describe it, whether it was the power of God, whether something supernatural, but I had no strength in my body. And so the lady that did the laying on of hands she handed me a cup of orange juice and gave me something to eat real quick, you know, what I could eat anyways. And I went home, and went to sleep. I got up, grabbed my pack of cigarettes, crumpled it up, tossed it in the trash, and that was that. You know, I was like, "Okay it's done. I don't need it anymore," you know? So... Amen. Now, throughout all this journey of faith that obviously has grown more and more, was there any particular line of scripture that really kept you grounded or that you kept returning to that kind of was reassuring to you or holding you accountable or that just spoke personally to you? Well, for a while I used to kind of meditate on Philippians 4:6. You know, the one talking about a peace that surpasses all understanding and all that. So I kind of-- I used to know it a lot more, like fluidly to say it. I couldn't really tell you exactly how it goes now, but, but that was, that was a scripture that was, I mean, if you will, it was kind of like a life verse for a period. You know, so I'd, I'd use that, I'd meditate on it, and yeah. So yeah, that was, that was pretty up there for memorability. And then since your journey of faith and deliverance and everything, has there been any relapse or temptations or any struggles along the way? No relapses or anything, but occasionally I'll have dreams, and in the dreams I relapse. Hmm. But then I'm also in the dream going, "Why am I drinking? I don't drink anymore. Why am I doing this? I don't do this anymore." Wow. What in the world is going on? And usually either in the dream I come to the realization I must be dreaming, or I wake up and one of those dreams. Yeah, whatever. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, that's definitely interesting. And then what about your bipolar, you know, disorder? Has anything with that resurfaced or you've-- Like how did you ultimately come to manage it all? 'Cause you talked about, you know, years of in and out of the hospital you know, different medications and everything. Obviously the, the journey of faith. So there's a lot of different parts of it as you mentioned. What has that looked like, especially now in, in modern day? And then you mentioned being a husband, being a father, you know, how does that affect all of those duties and roles that you play? Hmm. Yeah. So, there's a bit to that. So the short and sweet, and I'll get into it more in detail, but the short and sweet is I still have flare-ups. Like there's some days where like, oh, missed my 3:00 dose, I'm a little irritable. It's nowhere mental. There's no, not a break from reality right now. The biggest thing I deal with is kind of irrational irritability which comes in different facets. But yeah, so my faith that w- that was a large factor. You know, I'd attribute to a good portion of it to is just being faithful so, I don't wanna sound super spiritual, but, you know, almost if you're faithful in the little things, we'll-- you'll be faithful in the m- you know, I'll be faithful in much. So, but yeah, you know, it's, it's, it's been an interesting journey because really the biggest thing is taking my meds taking care of myself, which I, I'm not gonna say I'm some health nut or, like, I always eat what I'm supposed to, you know? Like I was, I was up till midnight last night working on stuff for my book, eating Skittles and Seltzer. So, like, you know, it's... I think the big thing to understand is there's recovery, yeah. There's stability. Mm-hmm. But there is never overcoming me- like, bipolar disorder. I get into that in my book. You know, it's you now have a, a com- a companion in your passenger seat. How do you- So, but for me, probably it looks like making sure I take my meds when I'm supposed to. Making sure, like, I'm not vibing substances or anything that I'm not supposed to. So, making sure I at least get a decent amount of sleep, you know, 'cause not every night I'm up till midnight or anything, but, you know, there's some nights where I'm going to bed at, like, 9:30. I'm like, "I just need some sleep." But, you know, dealing with the kids. Yeah, my wife will tell you there's some days where I need to go in a corner and figure my stuff out because I'm apparently irritable. Mm-hmm. And it's just taking victory in the small things. Like, okay so at the height of mania, I couldn't drive. I couldn't, I couldn't really do much. I-- there were some days I couldn't even leave the house, you know? Now, I drive all over the place. I leave the house for hours. I go to new places. I meet new people. I do new things that maybe cause a little anxiety, but overall I'm like, "I can do this." Slowly confident to try new things. So, yeah, it's, it's, it's been a journey, and you're never fully arriving, but you're constantly in motion, so. Right. So we've talked a little bit about the recovery, we've talked a little bit about the downfalls. I wanna transition now into the next phase of your life, which was you writing the book, as we've discussed and mentioned a little bit here. Mm-hmm. What was the inspiration for that? And obviously you mentioned it was quite a process as well. So what kind of inspired you to look back at your story, reflect on it, and make it into a book? So, a little backstory. My publisher was a guest on my pod- my podcast that I used to have. I had him on as a author himself. He's an older guy, so he likes to yammer on, too, and he's an author, so double trifecta there. You know, he-- I had about eight questions, and we got about through two or three of them in an hour and a half. We decided to do a part two. By part two, he, he says to me, he's like: "Hey, you know, I bet with your experiences and everything you know, you went through and dealt with, you can write a pretty decent book." And I kind of chuckled. I was like: "Well, I've already-- I've always toyed around with the idea of writing a book." I just never really know how to or how to break into it or really any of that, any of those details. And so he goes: "Well, you know, tell you what, I bet you know a pretty good publisher," hinting at himself. And so I, I kind of joked with him a little bit, and a month or two later, I emailed him. I'm like: "Hey, Pat, if I were to take you up on an offer, what would that look like? How-- what are the nuts and bolts of it?" And we talked about it, and the short and skinny there was that I took the summer kind of, wrote some ideas and some thought processes of what it would look like, what chapters would look like, ideas. And then really all I did was just get all sorts of thoughts down on paper, whatever I can remember, like verbatim, exactly as I remember it. Write it down, put it on the screen, and yeah, kind of just get it out there. And so I had multiple ideas, multiple happenings in life, life. And that was probably-- that was a little difficult because I had to really dig in, like, okay, what do I really remember? What's worth putting in the book? How do I make this cohesive? Like, so the book is chronological at its very finest, and it goes from six years old to twenty twenty-five. And- So writing the book, initially it was just kind of like, "Okay, well, let's see what I can do here." Like, can I actually write a book? Can, can it be something coherent enough for someone to actually buy or to like or to wanna read or to, you know, whatever. And so it went through three drafts all in all. But yeah, it, it was kind of a, like once the door was open, like, "Hey, here's the keys. All you gotta do is unlock the door." And my publisher and me really m- like really hit it off. We connected, and he really helped me along with some stuff. So we had a lot of calls and emails back and forth and like narrative structures, and I'd email and be like, "Hey, Pat," like, "What if we did this?" Or, "How about this narrative span?" Or so like the beginning of my book wasn't always the beginning of my book. It came about 'cause I, I thought to myself and like, "Pat," like, "what if we started the book by like kinda doing some..." I took some inspiration from some movies I saw, so, on how they do the whole, in the beginning of the book they're like, "Well, if you knew me then, you wouldn't have known this," or, "Little did I know that I'd find my..." Those kinda situations. And so I took some narrative elements and kinda melded it into my own story, and it just, it worked. You know, it worked. And there's a few other books, a few other movies throughout the book that I took some narrative elements from and incorporated into the book. But yeah, it was kind of, once the ball was rolling, it was like, "All right. Let's, let's do this." Like, what, what can we really make happen here? So- Right. And like we mentioned, it's out now, and, you know, people can check that out. Bipolar is Who I Am: A Journey of Transformation, Redemption, and Managing the Chaos Within. And just again, what are you really hoping people will resonate inside of it or get take away from it? Yeah, so I mean, aside from sales, 'cause who doesn't wanna s- make money on their book? But aside from that, you know, the idea would be that people would get the book, that they'd see themselves in the diagnosis, that they'd realize that there is possibility for recovery, there is possibility for a abundant life a blessed life, that you can have a fulfilling life, you know? And you don't have to be a statistic. You can, Yeah, you can have a life that is worth living without feeling like you're never gonna get over your diagnosis, or you're never gonna get married, or you'll never have, like, anything that you want, the idea that you'll never have it. I want people to read this book and go, "There is hope. There is a chance. I can have a, and lead a normal life," so to speak, you know? Right, for sure. And so we'll have the link in the description below for people to check that out. And I just wanna thank you again for your time today for guesting on the podcast. And everything that you've shared is, again, a very brief overview, like you mentioned, and I'm sure as the book goes into much more detail, there's way more to your story than what you've shared here. So highly encourage people to check that out, to get into all of those details, and to really get into the depths of what you went through and experienced, and also the depths of the recovery and, and the greatness of that. And I hope that it's inspiring to them. So thank you for your time today to, to help share and spread the word. Yeah, thank you, too. It was a pleasure to be on the show </p><p><!--block--><br><br></p>
